Does Monogamy Really Equal Monotony?

After many years together couples may begin to feel that monogamy is slowly slipping into monotony. The once exciting sex life has disappeared under the weight of a mortgage, work, children, family commitments, and life in general. For some couples, the idea of having the mind-blowing sex life that they experienced in the first few years of their relationship seems long past. And plenty of couples give up on their sex lives altogether. 

But it is possible for couples to rediscover an exciting sex life again. By improving the quality of your sex life it may also significantly improve the quality of your everyday life together. Experts suggest that setting aside as little as an one hour a week can significantly improve the quality of your sexual relationship

Does Monogamy Really Equal Monotony

One of the biggest barriers to having mind-blowing sex when you are in a long term relationship is the unconscious belief that monogamy equals monotony. Couples often fall into a bad habit of repeating the same pattern of lovemaking that they may have employed for years. No matter how successful the pattern may have been in the past it is a guaranteed way to get bored. Sex, like so many other aspects of human existence, needs to be stimulating and exciting. 

To have an exciting and enjoyable sex life the first step is to start talking about your sex life and the changes you would like to make. This conversation should not be made just prior to making love, as this may unsettle both of you and may end up being counterproductive to your relationship. To have a more meaningful sex life you may need to engage your partner’s head, heart and body. Commit to a time during each week that you both can set aside to explore your sexuality. Remember that those who wait to be inspired in a long-term relationship often have very little sex. And making a date to have sex does not stop you from being spontaneous at other times. 

When you have both agreed to set aside a time, think of where you would like to make love and what you enjoy and what your partner may enjoy. Its a generalisation, but men appear to be more aroused by what they see, and women by what they think. It is important to understand what turns your partner on. Take sometime to discuss with them what they find sexy and attractive in you and vice-versa. Offering something that may not be a turn on for you but really works for you partner is one of keys to enjoy mind-blowing sex. Take turns in doing something your partner likes but also don't expect to be immediately rewarded afterwards. The idea of lovemaking is to focus on giving rather than ‘What can I get out of this.’ Be prepared to try different things, be creative and experimental. 

Another important consideration is that all couples are different. What may be important in one relationship may not be that important in another. Having a great sex life for some couples is vital, but for others it may not be. Be aware of your needs and also your partner’s. If you both lack a high sex drive then sex may be a low focus in your relationship. But if your partner has a high sex drive and yours is low then this may need to be addressed and managed. To not engage in sex with your partner when they have a high sex drive may lead to added complications in your relationship. Expecting your partner to abstain from sex because you may have lost interest may lead to conflict and dissatisfaction for both people in the relationship.

Christopher Swane - Relationship Counselling and Psychotherapy - Wellington New Zealand