During the 1970s and 1980s popular print media highlighted the importance of sexual pleasure and happiness for many in the western world. The emphasis was on liberating both men and women from the sexually oppressive 1950s. Popular media of the time suggested that we would all be much happier if we all experienced a mind-blowing sex life.
Today’s popular media still promotes the idea that all couples must experience a stimulating and exciting sex life. And it is suggested that without mind-blowing sex a couple may be either deeply unhappy, missing out on a vital part of their relationship, or that they may be slowly drifting into loneliness.
A lot of research has gone into acknowledging the importance of body image within intimate relationships. The focus of some of the recent research appears to be aimed at how a perfect body improves an individual’s sex life and self-esteem. Some of the findings suggest that people with a perceived “perfect body” are more likely to have a greater number of sexual partners than those who do not. But does this really mean that people who do not buy into the body culture are experiencing unsatisfactory sex? And are they unhappy or dissatisfied with their life?
A question we all may consider asking ourselves is; what do I want from our relationship, what does my partner want from our relationship, and what do we both want? Focusing on the relationship and each other, rather than the self, may lead to improvement in intimate relationships.
It is important to understand what popular media is trying to accomplish. In most cases popular media is there to sell to consumers. What has become clear over the years is that sex sells. Whether it is through social media, magazines or television we all react to stories or promotions that have some form of sexual content. We are now living in a highly sexualised world, images of sex and discussion on sexuality are everywhere. In many ways this has substantially changed societies for the better. Individuals are now able to express their sexual needs and wants without fear of persecution or ridicule. And for others they have obtained greater control, freedom and choice in how they conduct their sexual lives.
But it is important to note that increased sexual liberation may affect individuals in different ways. For the couples without a high sex drives the constant focus on improving your sex life as portrayed in popular media may lead to feelings of inadequacy. And over time a couple may begin to question whether they are in the right relationship.
There still exists the stereotype that women lose interest in sex, and the stereotype that men are always ready to engage in sex. This is not always a true reflection of relationships. For some couples it may be the man who has the lower sex drive and their libido may also be affected by their emotional state. While the woman may have a higher sex drive and want to engage in increased regular sex and more experimentation. What is clear is that understanding and communicating about your sex drive, desires, and needs are an important part of establishing a healthy relationship. Also understand and communicating about your partners sex drive, desires and needs is vital. Ignoring your partner’s desires for sex or pressurising your partner into having sex may lead to resentment and dissatisfaction within your relationship.
There is always the big question that often arises when couples have a mismatch in their libidos. If one partner no longer wishes to engage in a sexual relationship while the other does, is it fair to expect your partner to remain monogamous when they are not sexually satisfied? Rejecting your partner’s sexual advances can lead to feelings of resentment, dissatisfaction, and conflict. No one wants to feel that they are no longer attractive to their partner and no one wants to feel constantly pressured into having sex. It is important to consider the many aspects of your relationship which are good and positive. But it is also important to acknowledge and address the difference in your sexual needs and wants. If you want your partner to be happy in the relationship as well as yourself then a compromise may need to be made. This may include opening your relationship up to a third party or allowing your partner to engage in sex with others. You may need to sit down and discuss options and possibly set in place new guideline and rules in your relationship. What is important is being honest about your needs but it is also important to consider your partner’s needs. Learn to compromise, negotiate, and except difference and change.
Christopher Swane - Relationship Counselling and Psychotherapy - Wellington New Zealand
