How important is sex in your relationship? For some couples regular sex can play an important role in obtaining intimacy and connection. While other couples experience a closer connection through shared interests and friendship. There doesn’t appear to be a one size fits all solution when it comes to how important sex is to a married couple or relationships.
The way a couple engages in sex may be more reflective of the way they engage with each other in the rest of their relationship;
The couple who rushes through the sex act to get it over and done with.
Or couples who experience sexual boredom in their marriage or relationship.
One partner may succumb to sex to please their partner but resists true affection or intimacy.
The couple where the husband can never get the foreplay or sexual act right to please the wife.
Or the wife who fakes her orgasm to please her husband but is cold and distant in the bedroom.
There are many different ways the sexual act may reflect on how happy or unhappy we are in the rest of our relationship.
Many couples find that through the pressure of young children and demanding careers, that there is little time for sex in their lives. What may have started out as a healthy sex life now sees sex occurring every few weeks, months or never. One partner may wish for more sex while the other may complain that they never feel they have the time, or that they feel pressured to have sex when they least want it. There is a lot of speculation from different couples about how to keep the sexual spark alive. Some couples suggest setting time aside for regular sex while other couples suggest that it is spontaneity that keeps their sexual relationship alive. Other couples suggest experimentation and the willingness to try different things plays a big part. While other couples suggest it’s the importance of putting constant effort into their sexual relationship which is important. One important point all married couples make is there must be sexual chemistry between them, and without this chemistry many marriages will fail.
Dr. Geoff Hackett suggests that as humans we are programmed to seek sex. Sexual attraction may wane as we get older but we still need sex. If sex becomes absent from our marriage or relationship we will seek it elsewhere. He goes on to say that even in our 60s and 70s we are still actively seeking sex and the reassurance that we still can function, and that the desire to have sex is innate within all of us.
But if sex is such a strong force within us why do some couples appear to be happy without it?
There doesn’t appear to be any right or wrong way for couples to be happily married. But one thing is important around sexuality, both of you must agree upon whichever way the relationship functions.
Christopher Swane - Relationship Counselling and Psychotherapy - Wellington New Zealand