Do you check your partner’s text and emails? Are you constantly looking for proof that they have not been flirting with another man or woman? Is jealousy eating away at yourself and relationship? How do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite or same sex – are you concerned that there is more going on than friendship?
Some people believe that by regularly checking their partner’s communication devices they will eliminate the possibility of a secretive relationship developing. They believe that it’s not their partner which is the potential problem, it’s all the “other people.” If you think it’s all the “other people” the truth is you don’t trust your partner. If you don’t trust your partner then may be it’s time to have a good hard look at your relationship and ask, “why don’t I trust my partner?”
If your partner has never given you any reason to distrust them, but you are still checking their communicating devices or location, then you may be doing considerable damage to your relationship. Trust and honesty are important for all couples.Trust and honesty is earned by keeping promises and consistent behaviour. It’s lost when someone fails to keep their promises. If your partner is keeping their promises and their behaviour is always consistent then they should have earned your trust. So why haven’t they?
If your partner is honest and trustworthy then the problem may lay with you. If you have experienced deceit and untrustworthiness in the past then you may be carrying those feelings into your current relationship as an enduring vulnerability. Enduring vulnerabilities are experiences from the past that are being carried today. Enduring vulnerabilities are sometimes so powerful in our lives that when they are triggered they take you back to the time when they first occurred and may flood you with feelings of fear, anxiety, hurt, sadness or abandonment etc. If you find yourself experiencing difficulty in giving or receiving affection, trust, love or security, then you may have an enduring vulnerability.
Enduring vulnerabilities can create many problems in relationships. One partner may never feel secure no matter how much the other person offers security or they may never feel loved no matter how much love is given. This can lead to a frustrating situation where one party is perceived as needy or the other party may feel that they are never fully appreciated. This may lead to serial arguments with no resolution.
Christopher Swane - Relationship Counselling and Psychotherapy Wellington New Zealand